HOROSCOPE #3
Hello my little kittens!
I hope you are doing well this Sunday morning, I give you a very serious horoscope brought to you by Madame Irma, a graphic associate of our wonderful Alexandra B, who came especially today, in the name of love, to create little cats out of modeling clay….I really hope you like them! See you later, my lovelies…To see more of Alexandra’s work, just click here and there!
Lisa Banana
- Aries, 21 March - 20 April (like Josiane Balasko)
Your birthday is coming soon and you are already quivering, you have “the banana” as we say in French (a smile from ear to ear), your better half has promised you a big surprise, you are already dreaming of the Red Square in Moscow or at least of the red soles of a pair of Louboutins. Careful what you wish for, especially if he’s a Capricorn, his planets are not aligned under the Rouble sign.
- Taurus, 21 April - 21 May (like David Charvet)
Work: You are a huge success right now, kind of like a David Charvet on Baywatch, do not rest on your laurels and keep giving it your all to ensure you will not struggle in your career. In matters of the heart, Valentine’s Day was full of surprises and you are still surfing on a wave of happiness. The singles feel like they’ve been holding their breath for a few months now, take advantage of being single, it will soon come to an end.
- Gemini, 22 May - 21 June (like Stomy Bugsy)
That Daddy of yours is not a gangster, but your biggest ally, remember to spoil him! In matters of health, you’ve just gotten over a raging flu and you are emerging from your shell like a beautiful pearl, springtime is almost here, activate the plan of attack! Money-wise: Pluto is going to disrupt your balance for a few days, lay off the Starbucks.
- Cancer, 22 June - 22 July (like Bill Cosby)
Madonna is allied with Venus, guaranteeing you thunderous sex-appeal, but beware of being struck by lightning! Work-wise, you’ve grown weary, the jokes at breakfast-time don’t make you laugh anymore, you’ve settled into a routine and you don’t love this job as much as you once did…It’s time to evaluate, and look around a bit, you will surely find other answers at the office of the Director of Human Resources, the planets are aligned under the P.R.O.M.O.T.I.O.N. sign.
- Leo, 23 July - 23 August (like Calogero)
You’re all atwitter in anticipation for springtime, you’ve gotten lots of rest during the winter, and now all you’re waiting for is the sun for you to put your plans into action. And if it turns out you don’t have the patience to wait for Spring, which should probably get here by August, try the Tropics. And don’t forget to use sunscreen, remember Donatella Versace if you get lazy, and get on top of your 50 SPF instead of turning into a starfish.
- Virgo, 24 August - 22 September (like Alex Lutz)
A new temp is in sight in the open space, you turn on the charm to get what you want. Saturn and its rings are aligned to help you end up with that ring on your finger. Money-wise, you won 16€ last week from an instant lottery scratchcard, you are born again! Health: a good glass of lemon juice in the morning before breakfast!
- Libra, 23 September - 22 October (like Sophie Favier)
Between work and your love life, your heart is torn, look ahead into your future 10 years from now, and maybe that will help to see things more clearly. A little birdy told me that you need to take a step back, and most importantly, lots of sleep, favor tea over white wine and you’ll see that your migraines will not last as long.
- Scorpio, 23 October - 22 November (like Mademoiselle Agnès)
The Scorpios of the first decan will see plenty of unexpected developments during the first two weeks of March. In matters of the heart, you’ve seen "50 shades of Grey" 12 times and it gave you some ideas, be sure of yourself before arriving at the office with marks on your wrists that you will have a hard time owning up to. Health: stop trying to convince yourself that fries are vegetables.
- Sagittarius, 23 November - 21 December (like Philippe Etchebest)
You’ve already broken up with your better half for the 12th time this month, dry your tears, you are awesome, take a step back, nobody should make you cry, unless they are tears of joy… Remember that all good things come to those who wait, deal with your discomfort patiently and stop rubbing your eyes if you don’t want to end up like Gilbert Montagné. Health: a good old raclette to comfort you.
- Capricorn, 22 December - 20 January (like Popeye)
As was aforementioned, you are broke, your wallet is empty, your bank account is dry, in short, you get it, in terms of money, you are not loving your life right now. Take advantage of that to appreciate simple and inexpensive pleasures: watch Le Petit Journal snuggled under your comforter, go pay a visit to your Mom so she’ll make you a good roast…Don’t worry, March is looking up to be more fruitful.
- Aquarius, 21 January - 19 February (like Mia Frye)
The weather is nice, the sky is blue…You feel like you are living in a Xavier Dolan film and it’s rather pleasant. Remind yourself that there will definitely be a plot twist to break this harmony and bite you in the butt, if only for the benefit of the audience. Keep your guard up and take off that blue wig, it does not work at all with your complexion.
- Pisces, 20 February - 20 March (like Jeanne Mas)
It’s not all black and white, or red and black as Jeanne would say...Don’t forget to make compromises, at work as well as at home, it’s not a big deal if the lipstick you are wearing today doesn’t match your shoes (by the way, if you are guilty of this bad habit, you should know that Christina does not validate this fashion faux pas at all). Total eclipse of Mercury: your birthday is shaping up to be caliente.
Translated by Ida Driscoll